


And All I Need To Know (Is That I'm Something That You're Missing)

by larrymylove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6640138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrymylove/pseuds/larrymylove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Haz!” Louis tried to shout after him, but the air had been knocked from his lungs and he couldn’t form the words he desperately wanted to say.</p>
<p>“I get it, Lou,” Harry said as Louis followed him to the living room, “You’re right. We’ve...we’ve been close for so long and maybe that’s not healthy anymore. We’ve been attached at the hip since we were children. We’re adults now. We need our own lives. We’ve never had our own lives. It’s always been HarryandLouis and LouisandHarry. We need to just...we need to let each other go.”.</p>
<p>Or, the one where Louis is hopelessly in love with his best friend and can no longer cope with the heartbreak of him not feeling the same, and accepts a job offer half-way across the world in order to escape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And All I Need To Know (Is That I'm Something That You're Missing)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my attempt at angst. I don't really write angst so I have no idea how this turned out but I hope it's good and I hope you enjoy it! I enjoyed writing it and sort of branching out of my comfort zone a bit. Also, the ending is so fluffy and cheesy because I just can't write sad endings and because I needed to - for my own sanity - after making it angsty finish it off on a bright, happy, cheesy, fluffy note lol I hope you like it!!
> 
> Also, come say hi to me on tumblr [here](http://wellingtontat.tumblr.com/)

“Louis,” Simon adjusted the paperwork on his desk, “Before you agree to take on this position at the New York office, I need you to make sure of one thing. I need you to make sure that you aren’t leaving anything you can’t afford to leave. Walking away from your life here, moving to another country, it’s a huge thing. If you feel for a second that you can’t walk away and do that, then I’m going to find someone else to fill the position in New York.”

Louis Tomlinson felt his hands grip the arms of the plush chair he was currently sitting in on the other side of Simon Cowell’s mahogany desk. He glanced down at his hands, seeing the knuckles turn a ghostly white shade. Mr. Cowell had just offered him the New York position. It was rumored at Cowell Corp. for months that Simon was going to ask someone to take the lead of the New York office. Louis hadn’t even allowed himself the luxury to think it might be him. But here he was, sitting in Simon’s office, hearing the news. Louis would have to pack up his whole life and start completely over in New York. There was just one thing making his stomach clench, one name playing in the back of his mind.

“Louis,” Mr. Cowell firmly met his gaze, “I need to know. If there’s anyone or anything keeping you here in London, you need to let me know. I can’t send you to New York if I know you won’t be at your peak performance. You won’t be at your peak if there’s someone here holding you back.”

Louis gripped the arms of the winged-back chair even harder. He swallowed the name on the back of his mind down the back of his throat before saying, “There’s no one, sir.”

It was a damn lie and the thing was, Simon seemed to know it too. Simon was always perceptive when it came to Louis. And it wasn’t exactly much of a secret that Louis did, in fact, have someone. But that was a damn lie too. Because Louis didn’t _have_ someone. Not _exactly_. Not in that sense. Trying to convince himself otherwise was useless. No, when it came down to it, Louis supposed he really didn’t have anyone - no one in his life, and no one keeping him here in London.

“Are you sure, Louis?” Simon quirked a brow.

“I swear. I’ll take the position sir,” Louis nodded firmly, “Just tell me when I leave.”

“Three weeks,” Simon answered, passing some paperwork to Louis, “I’ve already taken the liberty to get an apartment squared away for you there. This is the information on that. You’d start in the office the first of June. Is that alright?”

“More than,” Louis skimmed over the paperwork. Simon had taken the liberty to find, and purchase, a gorgeous penthouse with a view overlooking lush Central Park. It took Louis’ breath away. He’d always dreamt of a place like that, but never thought it was a possibility.

“You deserve this, Louis,” Simon said adamantly, “You truly do. No one else could ever deserve it more than you. You are such a hard worker, Louis. I see a lot of myself in you. And between you and me, if things run smoothly in New York, I wouldn’t be opposed to making you a partner in Cowell Corp. What do you think of that?”

Louis’ blinked, jaw dropping agape, “Sir?”

“I mean it,” Simon leaned back in his plush, over-stuffed office chair, “I will happily make you my partner if you show me how well you can do in New York. This is why I’ve always made sure to take care of you, Louis. This is why I will always take care of you. You have the makings of someone I can see running Cowell Corp. when the time comes. But for now, let’s focus on one thing at a time. Do you give me your absolute agreement that you’ll take on the New York position?”

That one name crept back into Louis’ mind against his will, “Absolutely,” Louis said. 

And that was that. He filled out some more paperwork, and Simon poured them honey-colored scotch into crystal glasses as they cheered to Louis and this wonderful opportunity. Louis swallowed his scotch, feeling it hit the pit of his stomach like heavy, molten lead. He smiled tightly, trying to pretend that it was just that the scotch was stronger than he was accustomed to. He tried to pretend like he was absolutely, completely, totally excited for this new adventure in his life. But that one damn name kept ticking away at the back of his mind. And Louis had no idea what to do about it. 

After work, he found himself at a pub with Liam, Niall, Zayn, and of course, Harry. He’d called up Liam first, telling him that he had some news and asking if he could arrange for everyone to meet them at Lucky’s - their usual hangout. If this were any other circumstance, he’d have called Harry first. But right now, he didn’t want to even think about Harry, much less call him first. So he’d turned to Liam. And Liam had been more than willing to call the others up, telling them all to meet up at Lucky’s at six. And now Louis found himself sitting at a booth, surrounded by his closest friends. He’d wedged himself tightly between Zayn and Liam, leaving Harry to sit next to Niall on the other side of the booth. Already, that wasn’t right. He’d typically be pushed against Harry’s side. And the look of hurt on Harry’s face was hardly ignorable as Louis slid in next to Liam and Zayn. He couldn’t let himself think too hard on that though. What was he supposed to do, really? He had no idea how to even react to Harry right now, how to even speak to him. At least when he broke the news, he could focus more on Zayn and Liam than Harry - Harry who was currently ripping his napkin into tiny little shreds as if he already knew something terrible was coming.

And Louis felt guilty, he really did. The thing was, ever since they were in school, he’d been madly, passionately in love with Harry Styles - Harry Styles and his gorgeous emerald eyes, and adorable dimples, and bouncy chocolate curls. After graduating, they had gone off to uni together, and after uni, they’d gotten a flat together. It was just sort of expected, they did do everything together - everything except this. Moving to New York would be the one thing Louis would do without Harry by his side. The thought bloody terrified him. But how could he let that hold him back? For just as long as he’d been in love with Harry, Harry hadn’t been in love with him. It was always just platonic with Harry, and Louis pretended that that didn’t bother him. But it did. He tried to pretend it didn’t completely break his heart every time Harry curled into bed with him, pressing into his side. He tried to pretend it didn’t completely shatter his heart every time Harry pressed soft kisses into his cheeks. But Harry was Harry and Harry flirted with everyone. Louis wasn’t special just because Harry showed him some attention. And Louis knew that Harry would never feel the same about him. It had been years and years and years, and nothing had changed. Louis couldn’t just put his life on hold for something that would never be real. He had to go to New York. He had to leave Harry behind. He had to live his own life.

“So,” Liam clapped his hands together, “What’s the big news, Tommo?”

Louis took a deep breath, lifting his vodka sour to his lips. Fucking shit, he _hated_ vodka sours. Why had he even ordered this piss? Maybe because subconsciously, Louis had been trying to punish himself - punish himself for what he was about to do. He set his glass down on the table and glanced around at each of his friends. They’d all been such good friends for so long. And Louis knew he was the leader of their little group. He was the glue that kept them all together. How could he possibly leave them? But this was his career here, his life. He needed to make this change. Besides, pining for Harry for years hadn’t been healthy. Louis just needed to start fresh. A new beginning. A new life.

“Um,” Louis cleared his throat, “Well, Simon called me into his office today. For a while now, there’s been talk of him sending someone to fill the position in the new New York office. And today, he offered me that position. And I...I took it!” Louis said, ripping the news off like a plaster. Their group was silent, and for a moment, Louis felt as if a wave had just dragged him underwater and he couldn’t catch his breath. Everything was silent save for the pounding of his own pulse inside his ears. 

“Wait...what?” Zayn was the first to speak.

“Um,” Louis cleared his throat again, “I’m...I’m going to New York.”

“For...for how long?” Niall was the next to speak.

“Well, forever,” Louis blinked, realizing how final that sounded, “I mean, I’ll come visit. But New York will be my new home.”

“When does this happen?” Liam asked.

“In three weeks,” Louis focused on Liam’s big brown eyes, focused on the freckles on his cheek. He couldn’t bear to rip his gaze to the other side of the table. He already could guess how Harry looked. Louis couldn’t deal with him right now, “Simon has it all arranged. He even purchased a penthouse for me! And he um, he said if all goes smoothly, I might make partner in Cowell Corp.!” He tried to sound excited, hoped his voice was faking it just enough to sound passable.

“That’s...that’s awesome, Lou!” Niall reached across the table and gave his hand a squeeze, “You deserve this so much! You’ve done so much for Cowell Corp. You absolutely deserve this! We’ll miss ya, of course. But you’ll be coming to visit all the time, right?”

“Absolutely,” Louis nodded, knowing that was probably a lie. Once he got settled into things in New York, would he really come back to London? Of course he would to see his family, but Louis knew how easy it was for friendships to fall apart. Skype dates could be arranged, so could phone calls. But eventually they’d be canceled more often than not, and things would just dissipate. He didn't want that, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe he did really just need to start completely fresh. Besides, coming home to see Harry would be far, far too painful.

_Harry_.

Across the table, Harry’s hoarse voice spoke grittingly, “I need to get another drink,” was all he said, sliding out of the booth. He grabbed his mug off the table and made his way towards the bar without looking back.

“Shit,” Zayn blinked, “Did you um...did you not tell him?”

“Of course Lou told him,” Liam laughed, “Harry was probably the first to know.”

Louis stared at his hands, folded on the sticky table.

“Shit,” Niall coughed once, “You didn’t tell him, did you Lou?”

“How could I?” Louis glanced away, staring out the window at the bustling London street, “I didn’t...I didn’t know how.”

“So he _just_ found out?” Liam asked, “That you are leaving?”

Louis already felt like shit, he didn’t really appreciate being made to feel even more like shit, “What was I supposed to do, Li? This is fucking hard on me too. Probably harder on me than him. I couldn’t tell him on my own. I needed to just do it with you all here too.”

“You should go talk to him,” Niall said.

Louis stirred his drink, “He’ll be fine. I’ll talk to him about it when we get home.”

“Don’t be an arsehole,” Zayn glared daggers at Louis, which thanks, Zaynie, “You two have been attached at the hip since you were children,” Zayn said, “He’s losing his other half, Lou. Don’t you dare fucking say that this is harder on you. It’s shit on the _both_ of you. But Harry? Harry needs you to be there for him. Tell him that you’ll come visit. Tell him that…”

“I _can’t_ ,” Louis hissed, tightening his grip on his glass, wondering what would happen if he squeezed it so hard that it shattered in his palm, “Guys, you know I can’t. Simon asked me today if there was anyone keeping me here. Now then, you lads know I love you with all I got, right? But the one name that came to mind was him. And I can’t let some childhood crush keep me from going forward with my life.”

“Louis,” Zayn frowned, “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but…”

“Then don’t,” Louis shoved at Liam’s shoulder, pushing him out of the booth so he could stand, “I’m going to get another drink.”

“Talk to him,” Niall called as Louis headed towards the bar.

How could he possibly tell them though? How? He had been hopelessly in love with Harry Styles for longer than he hadn’t been in his life at this point. If there was one person Louis could see settling down with for the rest of his life, it’d be Harry. But Harry had never felt the same, and never would feel the same. And it broke Louis’ heart on a daily basis. Multiple times a day, he felt that familiar clench in his chest as his throat tightened and he had to will tears not to fall. He couldn’t keep living like that. He knew he couldn’t. He needed his space from Harry. This move would give him all the space he could ever ask for.

“Hey,” Louis came up behind Harry, setting his glass on the bar.

Harry spun around on the heel of his brown chelsea boot, “You could have told me,” he said, something wild and unfamiliar in his eyes. His lips were bitten-red and his cheeks were bright pink. Louis felt his heart shatter again as he looked at Harry - frantic, upset, frightened Harry. And Louis wasn’t supposed to make him feel those things. Shit, if anything it was Louis who was supposed to be chasing away the distress in Harry’s life, not causing it. He felt sick.

“Harry…”

“You could have told me,” Harry repeated, nostrils flaring slightly and Louis _noticed_ how red-rimmed and wet Harry’s typically bright, cheerful eyes were, “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think you could just spring this on me like that? What...why? Why? Why are you doing this?” Harry asked frantically, “Why are you leaving? Did he not give you a choice? I don’t understand why, if you had a choice, you’d chose to do this!”

“Harry, look,” Louis felt dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. He wanted to reach out to grab something, but the only thing there was Harry and no. Just no. Instead, he swallowed hard and forced himself to square his shoulders and forced his voice to sound level as he said, “This is a great opportunity for me, Harry,” and then, because Louis could turn into a bit of an arsehole when he tried to protect himself, he tacked on, “If anything, I thought you’d be happy for me.”

Harry looked as if Louis had just slapped him. “I’m going to go,” he said, shoving past Louis.

“Harry...Harry wait,” Louis winced, knowing he had just royally fucked up.

But Harry was already heading towards the doors. Louis took a deep breath before turning back to the bar and ordering a round of shots. Just because Harry had gone home didn’t mean he and the other boys still couldn’t get pissed and have a fun time. Besides, Louis needed alcohol and lots of it. He needed to drink until Harry Styles was no longer an annoying name in the back of his head.

Louis had gotten drunk to the point that Liam had to give the cab driver his address because Louis couldn’t even recall the proper street number. However, as soon as the cab pulled up in front of the flat, Louis sobered quickly. Usually, Harry always left a light on for him when he was out late, either working or drinking. But tonight, the windows were pitch black. Louis wondered for a moment if Harry hadn’t come home. He looked up at the darkened building, squinting at the blankness of it all.

The cab driver cleared his throat and Louis realized that he had to get out eventually. The cab driver probably wouldn’t appreciate Louis making a home of his backseat. Louis paid the driver and slowly stepped down from the cab. He had to steady himself for a moment before making his way up the steps to the flat. He felt sick - sick with far too much vodka, sick with far too much heartbreak. 

He fumbled with the pocket of his jacket for a bit, trying to grasp his hand onto his keys. He finally gripped his keys and slipped the key to the flat into the lock. After opening the door, he flicked on the lightswitch beside the front door. Everything was so quiet, that Louis really did wonder if Harry had bothered coming home that night. Louis couldn’t blame him if he didn’t. Louis didn’t much want to be home right now either.

Louis dropped his keys into the little dish on the small table by the door. He shut the front door, toed off his shoes, and dropped his jacket onto one of the pegs on the wall. He took a deep breath before climbing up the stairs to his bedroom. His head was killing him, and he knew he was going to wake up with a shit hangover in the morning. Once he got to the top of the stairs, he gripped the banister. He’d have to pass Harry’s room to get to his own. Louis took a deep breath and made his way down the hall. He stopped outside of Harry’s door, pressing his ear to the door to listen for some sound of life. 

Silence.

Louis knew he shouldn’t do what he was about to do. But he needed to know if Harry was home, if Harry was safe. He went to open Harry’s door, only to find the knob wouldn’t turn. It was locked. In all the years they’d lived together, Louis was certain Harry had never locked his door. They always kept their bedroom doors open, actually, encouraging each other to jump in bed for spontaneous cuddle sessions. Louis felt as though the wind had been knocked from his lungs. He tried to tell himself that it was a good thing, that this meant that Harry had come home and that Harry was safe behind that locked door. But it didn’t make Louis feel any bit more at ease. Harry had locked him out. This was real then. This was happening. There was no going back from this.

Louis knew he’d put the first nail in the coffin by not calling Harry first. The second nail by announcing his leaving as he had. The third in telling Harry he should be happy for him. Now Harry was hammering nails too. Was this really the end of things? Louis had told himself going away would be good for him. He had told himself that a fresh start in New York away from Harry would be healthy. If this was so healthy, why did it feel as though every bone in his body was shattering like glass under the weight of his skin?

Louis headed to his own bedroom. Once inside, he shut the door behind him - just a crack. There was still the small thought in his head that Harry might come cuddle during the night. Louis wasn’t going to be one to lock him out. He shrugged out of his clothes before collapsing under the covers in his boxers. The cool sheets felt nice against his too-hot skin, but Louis was restless as he tossed and turned, desperately trying to get comfortable enough to sleep. But nothing was comfortable. Nothing felt right. He had tricked himself into thinking this would be okay. He had told himself it was a good thing to burn his bridges with Harry. But talking of lighting that match had been easier than actually striking it. And now it was lit, and Louis didn’t want to burn it anymore. He couldn’t burn it anymore. He needed Harry in his life. The lads had all said it - he and Harry were each other’s other halves. They needed one another. Louis couldn’t get on without Harry. Healthy or not, that was the truth. He needed Harry in his life, and he needed Harry by his side. What had he been thinking in accepting that New York position? How could he have ever said yes, knowing it’d mean leaving Harry behind?

Louis grabbed for the second pillow, about to fluff it thinking he’d find some comfort in that pillow over his own, only to find that it smelled of familiar apple shampoo. Harry’s apple shampoo. Because Harry had slept on that pillow last night, tucked into Louis’ side as Louis had brushed curls off his forehead and whispered sweet things to him as he fell asleep. 

“FUCK YOU!” Louis shouted to no one as he threw the pillow as hard as he could across the room. 

“Fuck you,” Louis said to himself as he threw himself back against his own pillow.

There was no going back now. He’d accepted the position. He’d signed the papers. It was all done. He was leaving in three weeks. Tomorrow, he’d have to make arrangements for moving. And he’d have to call his mum up and tell her the news too. And things would actually have to start coming together. And in three weeks, Louis would leave and that would be that. There was no going back. There was no changing of minds. Louis was leaving.

“I don’t want to go,” Louis whimpered to no one, “Don’t make me go.”

The sunlight burned his eyes as it streamed through the partly-opened blinds. Louis winced under the pain the bright light caused. Fuck, why had he drank so much last night? He always did get the worst hangovers. He’d known better. But he hadn’t cared. He’d wanted to hurt himself. He’d wanted to make himself feel this pain for what he was doing to Harry. Louis swallowed the bile that crept up his throat, forcing himself to roll over and check his phone for the time. He slapped his hand around on his nightstand, finding his phone finally, and seeing the time. It was a quarter after ten. Louis let out a sigh, dropping his phone beside him. Louis allowed himself to drift back into a light doze for a moment before his weekend alarm began to buzz. Forgetting his phone was beside him, Louis reached out to the nightstand again, whacking his hand around aimlessly trying to silence the obnoxious alarm tone.

His hand came into contact with something warm though, then something hot as piping hot liquid sloshed onto his hand. Louis let out a string of curses, shaking his hand and muttering more obscenities before turning to see what had burned him. A cup of tea was sitting on the center of his nightstand. Louis frowned at it for a moment, confused as to how it had gotten there. Then he realized that the only explanation other than magical tea elves - which should really be a thing - was that Harry had brought it to him when he’d gotten up. Harry had always brought Louis tea in bed. It was a ritual of theirs. But Louis hadn’t expected...not after last night. Louis reached for the mug, blowing on it before taking a sip. It was the usual temperature it always was - Harry always did check it by dipping his pinky into the steaming liquid first to be sure - but it scalded Louis’ throat as he swallowed.

Louis had to set the tea aside, unable to finish it. Beside him, the alarm went off a second time. Louis groaned, silencing it. He set the phone down next to the cup of tea, before collapsing back against his pillows. He didn’t want to move. His whole body ached, and at least in his room, he didn’t have to face Harry. How was he supposed to face Harry again after last night? Louis knew what he’d done had been cruel. He had completely sprung this on Harry with no warning to him whatsoever. And then he’d had the gall to tell Harry that he should be happy for him. Louis wanted to throw up. He felt disgusted with himself, with his behavior. He knew he could be a coward at times. And he’d told himself he had accepted the job offer because it was a good career move, but Louis knew better. He knew himself better. He knew he had accepted that position in New York as an excuse to run.

He didn’t know what to do anymore, and when New York fell into his lap, he’d jumped at that chance, thinking it’d be perfect. It wasn’t perfect though. It was a nightmare. Louis wished he’d never agreed to go. But what was he supposed to do? Either he go to New York and leave Harry behind and break both their hearts, but get over it one day. Or he stay here and continue to be madly in love with Harry Styles, breaking his heart on a daily basis and never, ever getting over it. There was no winning here. Every option was shit. But maybe breaking, hurting, every day wouldn’t be so bad if it meant at least Harry was beside him. Louis could deal with the heartache Harry caused him if it meant that he was still by his side with Harry making him laugh and smile along the way. Being in New York, being a thousand miles away from Harry - a world away from Harry - how could Louis ever in a million years think that’d be the better option?

_It’s all your fault_ , Louis muttered, directing his words to Harry as if Harry could actually hear him, _if you didn’t make my head so jumbled...if you didn’t make everything so jumbled…_

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose, wishing he could just melt into the covers and disappear forever. But that would be running again. And Louis didn’t want to run anymore. Running had already fucked everything up. But maybe there was still a chance things could be repaired. Maybe he could just talk to Harry. He could apologize for his harsh words and for not warning Harry beforehand. Maybe he could even tell Harry he didn’t want to go, but it was all too late now and he had to. Maybe Harry would understand. Harry - sweet, darling Harry - was always so understanding. Louis knew he could make him understand this. He just needed to make things somewhat okay. He couldn’t leave Harry like this. This wasn’t how they were supposed to end. Louis refused to let this be the end - the final nail.

His whole body ached as he made his way down the stairs. He winced at the painful sound of a blender grinding together a smoothie. It felt as if a jackhammer was going off in head. Damn Harry, and damn his breakfast smoothies. Louis winced again, working through the pain as he continued through the kitchen. He stopped at the sink, next to where Harry was standing over the blender. Louis plopped his tea cup into the sink and leaned against the counter, waiting for Harry to finish blending. Finally, the jackhammer noises stopped, and Harry unscrewed the blender from the mount, pouring the thick liquid into a glass.

“Hi,” Louis said quietly.

“Hi,” Harry reached around to put the blender into the sink.

“Thank you for the tea,” Louis said.

Harry shrugged, taking a sip of his smoothie, “Don’t have many mornings left to make it for you, figured I better make it last while I can.”

“Harry…” Louis started, but Harry held up a hand, cutting him off.

“Louis, don’t. It’s fair you should know that you leaving is breaking my heart. It’s fair that you know that. Nothing is going to change that. It is what it is. You’re leaving and I wasn’t important enough for you to tell alone. I wasn’t important enough for you to stay,” Harry chuckled dryly, “It fucking _hurts_ , but I need to get over it because it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Louis shook his head, trying to process Harry’s words, “Harry...I wanted to tell you. I did. But I didn’t know how. I didn’t know...I figured it’d be easier if the other boys were there with us. I didn’t know how to tell you alone that I was leaving.”

“I get it,” Harry said dryly, taking another sip of his smoothie, “I do, Louis. It’s okay. And you were right at the bar,” Harry dropped the empty glass into the sink, “I should be happy for you. So I’m happy for you. You’re going to be brilliant in New York,” Harry said, a forced smile spreading tightly across his face, not reaching his eyes, “And you’ll go on so many lovely adventures and meet so many amazing people.”

“Harry…”

“And maybe,” Harry’s smile twisted into something different, something cruel and dark and something Louis didn’t think Harry was capable of making, “just maybe, when something big happens to you, they’ll be important enough in your life for you to tell them.”

Harry pushed past Louis and out of the kitchen.

“Haz!” Louis tried to shout after him, but the air had been knocked from his lungs and he couldn’t form the words he desperately wanted to say.

“I get it, Lou,” Harry said as Louis followed him to the living room, “You’re right. We’ve...we’ve been close for so long and maybe that’s not healthy anymore. We’ve been attached at the hip since we were children. We’re adults now. We need our own lives. We’ve never had our own lives. It’s always been HarryandLouis and LouisandHarry. We need to just...we need to let each other go.”

“Harry…”

“Let me finish,” Harry said, his voice shaking as he placed his hands on the back of the sofa as if to try to steady himself, as if he would fall otherwise, “I get it, Louis. We need to let each other go. It was cute and all when we were children. But we’re not children anymore, and we haven’t been for a long time. It’s not healthy to hold onto childish things. Sometimes we have to let go of the stuffed animals and the security blankets. And now is the time to let go of each other. And you’ll go off to New York and you’ll have such an amazing life there. And I’ll stay here and I’ll work at the bakery and maybe not this year, or the next...but in time...we’ll move on from each other. And we’ll...we’ll forget. And you’ll find friends in New York and I’ll make new friends here. And we’ll be okay without each other because we have to be.”

Somewhere in the middle of his speech, silent tears had started to pour from Harry’s eyes. He hadn’t noticed until he’d stopped talking. He quickly brought his fingers up to his cheek to feel the dampness there. Louis’ heart felt as though it shattered into a thousand little shards in his chest. He couldn’t help but cross over to Harry, reaching up to brush the tears away as he’d done on more than one occasion.

“Oh, Haz,” Louis said sadly, “Baby...no.”

“It’s true,” Harry was shaking now, “We have to let go. You already accepted this job, Louis. You said yes and you could have said no, but you said yes. Now I have to let you go. I can’t hold onto you anymore. You were...you were never mine to hold onto anyway. I have to let you go.”

“Stop it, please stop,” Louis felt his own eyes fill with tears as he continued to wipe Harry’s away, “I don’t...I don’t want that.”

“You...you don’t?” Harry asked, stepping back slightly, Louis’ hand dropping from Harry’s cheek.

“No, Hazza,” Louis shook his head, feeling something squeezing his heart painfully tight, “I never...I thought leaving was a good thing for me. But it’s not. It’s not a good thing. Nothing is a good thing if it means leaving you behind.”

“Stop,” Harry shook his head, “Stop it, Lou. You have this great opportunity. You were right last night, I should be happy for you. And I will be. I just...it hurts right now. It hurts today. But we’ll be okay in the end. We’ll move apart from each other and things will be okay. There’ll be a day where we’re okay. And you’ll have such a glamourous life in New York with your fancy penthouse. You’ll be so brilliant there, Louis. Brilliant anywhere. But…” Harry cleared his throat, “It’s like I said. I need to let you go. You said yes. And you made the choice not to stay. And you made the choice not to tell me alone. You made the choice to let me go. And now I have to do the same.”

“Harry, no…”

“You made your choice, Lou,” Harry smiled sadly, “It’s okay. I understand. You don’t need to explain.”

Louis wanted to tell Harry a million things. He wanted to tell him he only took the position because not being with Harry was breaking his heart so running seemed like the easier option. He wanted to tell him it wasn’t the easier option, it was the stupid option. He wanted to tell him that he’d be willing to have his heart broken by Harry a million times a day if it just meant still seeing Harry every day and being a part of his life. He wanted to tell him that he was in love with him, to the point of possible insanity. Because clearly having agreed to leave Harry behind and go to New York was the act of a person who was not sane in the least.

But no words came. 

And Harry was turning away, heading upstairs to his room. And Louis was left standing there in the middle of the living room - drowning in a million words he was too scared to know how to say.

Louis made his way to the kitchen where he’d left his cellphone prior to following Harry. He lifted it from the counter and did the one thing he could think to do in that moment. He called Zayn. Because Zayn would know what to do. Zayn never held anything back when it came to Louis, and Louis could pretend to hate that all he wanted, but this morning, Zayn’s brutal truth was just what Louis needed. He paced the kitchen, waiting for Zayn to finally pick up. He did on the seventh ring.

“Fucking finally!” Louis shouted into the phone, “I have a problem.”

“I was wondering when you were going to call,” Zayn said, and Louis could hear the smile in his voice. Because of course Zayn was going to be a bit of a cheeky shit about this.

“Please, Zayn,” Louis begged, leaning against the kitchen counter, “I fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it...or even if I _can_ fix it. But all I know is that I need to fix it.”

“You’re damn right you need to fix this,” Zayn said.

“Zayn, please!” Louis plead, “Just…”

“Sorry,” Zayn chuckled slightly into the phone, “I don’t mean to give you a hard time right now. You don’t need that right now. You probably already feel like shit without me adding to it - what with all you had to drink last night and the fact that you were a proper sod.”

“Zayn!”

“You were!” Zayn insisted, “But fine. Talk to me. Tell me what’s inside your head, bab.”

Louis took a deep breath, sinking down onto the kitchen floor, “Zayn, I’m in love with him.”

“I know, bab. I know.”

It was true. Louis had confided in Zayn so much over the years about his feelings for Harry. And Zayn had always told him that he needed to be honest with Harry about his feelings, but that was easier said than done, at least for Louis. He never knew how to go about doing so, and just never did. And now...now it was probably too late.

“Everything hurts when I’m around him,” Louis admitted, “You know how we are, Zayn. When he climbs into my lap for cuddles, my heart shatters. When he kisses me, it feels like every bone in my body is breaking. Because he has no idea what it does to me. And he thinks he’s just being sweet Harry, and he is. But him being sweet Harry kills me inside. Because I want so, so much more with him, Zaynie. I want to be so much more with him. And I don’t know how to tell him. And it hurts me too much to see him going on dates on the weekends and talking about crushes and who he’d snog. And I have to laugh and listen along as if I’m okay with all that. But I’m not. Because...because I’m in love with him, Z. And I want him to be mine more than anything. And I don’t know what to do.”

“And when Mr. Cowell offered you the New York position?” Zayn asked, “You took it thinking that you could just run away?”

Louis hung his head, even more ashamed at having heard it outloud like that, “Yeah. I...I thought if I could get away from him and start fresh that I would be okay. But I’m not, Zayn. I’m not. And now he thinks that I want nothing to do with him, and that I want to move on and forget him. And I never want that, Zayn. I never...I could never want to forget him. He’s the best part of my life, and he has been for most of my life. He’s always been the best and brightest thing I’ve ever had. And I...I am pushing that away from me. And it’s hurting him so much, Z. It’s...it’s killing him. I’ve never seen him like this before. I can’t do this to him. I can’t do this to me. This isn’t...I thought I could just end us. But I don’t want to end us. And I don’t want us to end like this.”

“Louis,” Zayn’s voice was soft, gentle. There was no judgement or harshness to his tone as he said, “You have to decide what you want to do here. You have to make a choice. What would happen if you told Simon you didn’t want the New York position?”

Louis bit his lower lip. He knew what would happen. Mr. Cowell would fire him. All that talk of taking care of Louis was bullshit, and Louis knew it. Mr. Cowell was not the kind of boss you ever wanted to cross. You were in his good graces so long as you stayed in line and did as he said. If you ever questioned him, ever spoke out against him, you were finished. Louis had always stayed in the lines, never coloring outside the margins. He never made waves. He worked hard and was rewarded for that. But at what cost? Simon had no loyalties. Did Louis really want to be loyal to someone who only saw him as a commodity?

“He’ll fire me,” Louis admitted.

“Okay,” Zayn took a breath before asking, “Is that the worst thing that could happen to you, Lou?”

Easily, Louis answered, “No.” It surprised him how easily that answer came. He had worked at Cowell Corp. ever since graduating uni. But it wasn’t his life, and losing Cowell Corp. wouldn’t be the end of his life. 

“What is the worst thing that could happen to you, Lou?” Zayn asked, knowing Louis’ answer before Louis even spoke.

“Losing Harry.”

“Then you know what you need to do. Jobs are great and important. But they aren’t everything. You’ll get by without that job at Cowell Corp. But will you get by without Harry? There’ll be other jobs, Louis. And maybe they won’t pay as well, and maybe they won’t buy penthouses in New York, but you’d be with Harry. And isn’t that what matters at the end of the day?”

“Zayn...I’m scared,” Louis admitted, “Everything was so certain yesterday. Now nothing is.”

“You’ll be okay, bab,” Zayn assured, “You will be. New York sounds lovely, but it’s not for you, Louis. And you knew that, and you’ve known that. What is here for you is here in London, and his heart is breaking at the thought of losing you, Lou. If that doesn’t tell you what you need to know, I don’t know what does.”

“I know what I need to do, Zayn. I know I what I have to do now.”

“Good,” Louis could hear the smile in his voice again, but this time it wasn’t taunting, “So go do it then.”

Louis was done - done with being a coward, done with running. He was hurting Harry, and that was something he just wasn’t going to stand for. He ended the call with Zayn, pushed himself up off the kitchen floor, and ran up the stairs to Harry’s room. His hangover was still killing him, but right now, Louis had more important things on his mind. Once he got to Harry’s door, he pounded on it with his fist.

“Harry! Harry! I need to talk to you! There’s something...there’s something you need to see!” Louis shouted.

“It’s unlocked,” Harry called back half-heartedly through the door.

Louis opened Harry’s door. Harry was sitting on the edge of his bed, wiping at his eyes with a tissue. Louis had to swallow to keep from letting out a sob at the sight. No more. He was done with this. He was done with hurting the person he loved the most in the world.

“Hazza,” Louis said determinedly, “Look at me. There’s something I need you to see.”

Harry lifted his head up from his hands, watching with drawn brows as Louis lifted his phone slightly in the air, giving it a little shake.

“What are you…”

Louis held up a finger. Harry frowned and watched as Louis dialed a number on his phone. Louis lifted the phone to his ear and waited. Harry’s brows pulled further together, his eyes darting across Louis’ face as he was trying to process what Louis was doing. 

Finally, a voice on the other end answered and Louis turned to Harry. With the hugest grin on his face, he said, “Hello, Simon. I just wanted to inform you that while I appreciate all you’ve done for me, I will not be taking the position in New York. I’ve given it some thought, Mr. Cowell, and you were right. I can’t leave London when there’s something - or someone - holding me here. And to leave him would be the biggest mistake I could ever make in my life. So you’ll just have to find someone else to go to New York. Because I am staying here, in London. And if that means I’m fired, so be it. I can live with that. I can. But if there’s one thing I can’t live without, it’s him. Thank you,” Louis hung up the call before Simon could respond. He had better things to do than listen to whatever Simon Cowell had to say, like running to the bed and crouching down in front of Harry to brush the tears from his cheeks.

“Louis,” Harry said on a sob, “What...why? Why did you...what about New York?”

“Didn’t you hear, silly?” Louis asked, laughing wetly as his own eyes filled with tears, “I don’t give a shit about New York! Because you wouldn’t be in New York. I’m not going, Hazza. I’m staying here...staying in London...staying with you!”

“But...but why?” Harry asked, still not processing what had just happened.

“Because I can’t leave you, Hazza. I can’t.”

“I don’t understand, Louis. Please...please explain what’s going on, Lou. I can’t...this is too much!”

“I know, and I’m sorry baby,” Louis winced, pressing a gentle kiss to Harry’s cheek, “It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, huh? But what you need to know is that yesterday, I made a silly, stupid mistake. You see, somewhere over the years...I started to fall completely, utterly, hopelessly in love with my best friend. But I didn’t think he felt the same, so I tried to just ignore it. But it hurt me too much. Hurt me to see him with other people, hurt me to see him flirt with me and know that I could never be more than his friend. So when Mr. Cowell offered me the job, I thought it was perfect. I thought I could go away from here, from you, and the pain would stop. But the thing is, Harry...the pain of loving you and not having you love me back? I can deal with that. So long as you’re still in my life in someway. But to not have you in my life at all? That would _destroy_ me, baby. So I’m making a choice. I’m choosing to stay here with you. And I’m choosing to have my heart be broken by you. And that’s okay. Because I can survive that. What I can’t survive is walking away from you forever.”

“Louis?”

“Yeah, darling?” Louis glanced up into Harry’s eyes, every nerve tensing in his body. He’d never been so honest, so open, so vulnerable. He had no idea how Harry would respond to his confession, but there was no turning back now. The truth was out there, and Louis couldn’t take it back. He wasn’t sure he’d want to in the first place.

“You...you’re an idiot.”

Louis pulled back slightly, glaring at Harry, confused, “What are you…”

“You’re an idiot because for the last few years, I’ve been completely, utterly, hopelessly in love with you too! And maybe we’re both proper shitheads because apparently we both suck at communicating that. But I’ve loved you for so long, Lou. And I just...I never thought you felt the same. So I tried to go on dates and meet people and move on because I thought I could never have you. But it never worked. No one could ever be you. No one could ever make me feel the way you make me feel. You’re it for me, Louis. You’re it. There’s no one else. There’ll never be anyone else.”

The room began to spin as Louis choked back a soft sob, “Are you...are you telling me…you love me too? But you thought I didn’t feel the same?”

“Yeah,” Harry laughed wetly, “And then when you said you got this New York position, I thought that that was it - that this was the final proof that you didn’t feel the same. And that meant I would just have to accept it and move on. I thought...I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

“Oh you silly darling!” Louis cried openly now, “I want you. I want you _so much!_ ”

“So you aren’t leaving then?” Harry asked apprehensively.

“No baby. No. I’m staying right here.”

“And you love me too?”

“More than anything in the entire world,” Louis admitted.

“And we’re both absolute shitheads?”

“The shittiest of shitheads,” Louis giggled, wiping away a tear with his knuckle.

“I’ll have you know,” Harry frowned slightly, “I’m still sore with you for the emotional turmoil you’ve caused me in the last twelve hours, you dickhead.”

“I know,” Louis frowned too, nodding. He didn’t blame Harry. Surely Harry had emotional whiplash from everything Louis had put him through. He’d just have to try extra hard to make it up to him then, “How can I make this right, Hazza? What can I do to make you forgive me for being an absolute dick?”

“Well…” Harry thought it over, “A cuddle always is a good place to start.”

“Of course,” Louis smiled, hopping up off the carpeting of Harry’s bedroom. Harry laid back against the mattress, allowing Louis to lie beside him and pull Harry against him, “I am truly sorry, baby,” Louis said, gently running his fingers through the chocolate curls, “I made such a mess of things. I just...I just was scared. I wanted to tell you for so long how I felt. I just didn’t know how. And when I get scared, I run. And I was going to run to New York. But no more running.”

“Good,” Harry pressed back further into Louis’ embrace, “You have nothing to fear, Louis. Nothing to run from. When you get scared, come talk to me and we’ll work through whatever is scaring you together.”

“I could never leave you,” Louis said, pressing his nose into Harry’s shoulder blade, “I know it now. Maybe I could have gone a week with thinking I could. But when it came down to it, I would never have left. My world is here - my family, my friends, and you. And you are the best, brightest thing in my life, Hazza. And New York might be shiny and fancy and have sunshine and fancy penthouses and high-paying jobs and adventures. But it doesn’t have you. And quite frankly, if it doesn’t have you, it doesn’t have anything worth having - worth giving you up for.”

Harry squirmed under the weight of Louis’ words, “Lou…”

“It’s true,” Louis pressed a kiss to Harry’s shoulder, “I would give up anything if you asked me to.”

“But...but I didn’t ask you to, Lou. It was a good opportunity for you and…”

“Hush,” Louis scolded lightly, “I know you didn’t ask me to. I know you would never ask me to. So that’s why I made the decision for us. I don’t want us to end, Harry. And I don’t want to go anywhere you’re not. And the bakery is your dream, darling. Cowell Corp. was never my dream. I’ll find something else. I’ll figure it out. And with you by my side, I’m not scared of what the future holds. Because I know that you’ll be there. And that’s all the future that matters.”

Suddenly a sharp pinch to his bum made Louis shout and slap at Harry’s hand, “Ow! You bloody wanker! The fuck was that for?”

Harry smirked, “Never, _ever_ talk of leaving again, Louis. Never. Unless you plan on taking me with you.”

Louis laughed, rolling Harry over so that he could press kisses to his cheeks, making the boy giggle as he did so, “I will never, _ever_ talk of leaving again,” Louis swore, “And I’m so sorry for yesterday and last night.”

“Make it up to me,” Harry said simply.

“Tell me how to.”

“Kiss me,” Harry smiled sweetly, dimple popping in his cheek.

“C’mere,” Louis crooked his finger under Harry’s chin, lifting his mouth to meet his.

The kiss was sweet and chaste to start, before Harry opened his mouth to Louis’ and Louis couldn’t help but make Harry moan and whimper against him before pulling apart.

“ _Jesus_ ,” Harry whispered, making Louis laugh, “Kiss me again!”

“Uh-oh,” Louis laughed, “I think I’ve created a monster here.”

“You can’t just kiss me like that and expect me not to want to be kissed like that every second.”

“Fair point,” Louis smirked, moving to straddle Harry’s hips. As he bent down to press another kiss to his boy, his phone buzzed on the nightstand, “Shit,” Louis hissed.

“Ignore it,” Harry urged.

“It’ll just keep buzzing. Hand it here and let me see what’s up.”

Harry reached for the phone, handing it over to Louis with a pout on his lips that Louis made a mental note to kiss away as soon as possible. He unlocked his phone to see one voicemail waiting for him. It was from Simon. Louis held his breath as he pressed the notification. He winced as he waited for the harsh words telling him he was fired and that Simon never wanted to hear a word from him again. 

“Louis,” Simon’s voice began, “I told you yesterday I wanted you to be sure. I told you if you weren’t one hundred percent, that I could not send you to New York. I’m glad you thought it over some more before agreeing. I told you yesterday that I saw myself in you. Well, maybe I was wrong in that. Because if it were me, I’d have jumped at the job and left everyone in my life behind to do so. You made a choice not to do that. I have another person lined up for the New York position. Maybe I was wrong in thinking what Cowell Corp. needed was someone just like me. Cowell Corp. would be made better with someone like you on board. It _is_ made better with someone like you on board. That’s why you will be a London consult to the head of the New York division. See you Monday, Mr. Tomlinson. Don’t be late.”

“Holy shit!” Louis blinked at the phone in his hands in disbelief.

“Wow,” Harry took a breath, “That’s...that’s something.”

“Right?” Louis locked his phone, reaching to place it back on the nightstand, “Holy shit. I still have a job, Harry! And I get to be a consult to the head of the New York division!”

“We should celebrate!” Harry said brightly, bouncing excitedly under Louis.

“How do you propose we do that?” Louis asked, raising a brow.

“Kisses!” Harry cheered.

Louis couldn’t help but giggle at the boy beneath him, “I think that’s doable,” Louis said happily obliging Harry’s request.

That night, Louis had a faceful of apple-smelling curls as he held Harry against him. It was late, but he didn’t want to go to sleep just yet. Instead, he wanted to keep watching Harry’s shoulder rise and fall peacefully as he slept. Louis let his fingertips gently wander across Harry’s shoulder and down his spine, feeling each little knot and bone, taking him in. 

And in that moment, there was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. Louis couldn’t even imagine making a run for anything other than towards Harry and into his arms. 

Louis fell asleep that night with a name no longer ticking away annoyingly in the back of his mind. Instead, his pulse pumped strongly, assuredly, to the name Harry Styles. 


End file.
